


It hurts more

by Halfling



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-28
Updated: 2012-11-28
Packaged: 2017-11-19 17:46:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/575941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Halfling/pseuds/Halfling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel and Balthazar have one last talk before the end. Takes place near the end of season 6, spoilers for that season.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It hurts more

**Author's Note:**

> Also posted to my [tumblr](www.halfhalfling.tumblr.com).

“Please don’t do it.” Balthazar whispered.

“What?” Castiel looked up, realizing he had been lost in his own thoughts again.

“Don’t go through with it. Purgatory, the souls, Crowley. I’m asking you as your oldest friend, here.”

Castiel sighed. Balthazar had offered him a night away from Heaven’s civil war, away from the Winchesters and everything else currently weighing on Castiel’s mind. “Just a few drinks between friends to ease your troubles,” he’d promised. Normally Castiel wouldn’t have acquiesced but Balthazar was right about one thing. He did need a break. Now they were sprawled on a couch in a hotel somewhere near Paris. Balthazar had been drinking and talking more than enough for the both of them and Castiel had been too distracted to care until now.

“I thought you said we weren’t going to talk about this,” Castiel said.

“Oh you’ve thought of little else all night, don’t deny it, I know you. I’ve been sitting here, making perfectly acceptable small talk and you’re so caught up in your own worries that you’ve barely even given me the time of day. So fine. You want to talk about that? We’ll talk about it.”

“What’s there to talk about? I thought you understood. I don’t have any other choice.”

“And you know that for a fact, do you? You’ve exhausted every other option? Pulled in every favor you’re owed, consulted with everyone you know? Because if this is all you’ve come up with, Cas, then you might as well just kill yourself now and save everyone else the trouble.”

Castiel stopped breathing. Balthazar had never spoken to Castiel like that before. He knew Balthazar had reservations about what Castiel was doing, but this was so much worse than he could ever have imagined. “I thought you were on my side.”

“Of course I’m on your side. I’ve always been on your side. You’ve always just been too blind to see it.”

“What’s gotten into you?” Castiel glared, not caring if the hurt and confusion showed on his face.

“What’s gotten into me? I bloody love you, that’s what.”

“What?” Castiel’s eyes grew wide, and Balthazar seemed to realize what he’d said.

“Did I say that out loud?” He peered suspiciously at his wine glass. “I am way drunker than I thought.”

“I-I don’t understand.”

“Of course you don’t,” Balthazar said bitterly.

Castiel set his own glass of wine, still as full as when Balthazar poured it, on the coffee table and tensed up to leave when he felt Balthazar’s hand on his wrist.

“Don’t go.”

There was something in Balthazar’s voice that made Castiel pause. It was desperation, he realized. He’d never heard Balthazar beg before. “How can I understand, if you don’t explain?” Castiel said quietly.

Balthazar sighed and set down his own, now empty, wine glass. “Castiel, I love you. Not just as a brother-in-arms, I mean real, I-can’t-stop-thinking-about-you, I-would-do-anything-for-you love. I always have. Maybe you’ve never felt the same way about me, but that doesn’t change the fact that I don’t want to live without you. I tried once already, I left Heaven and ran here and I thought that would be better for both of us but I was wrong. I need you, Cassie, and I like to think a small part of you needs me too, if only to stop you from doing stupid things like this.”

“But Heaven—“

“I don’t care about Heaven!” Balthazar shouted. He must have realized how loud he’d become because he immediately dropped his tone. “I don’t care about Heaven, or Purgatory, or even Earth, for that matter. I care about you. And I’m terrified that if you go through with this, you’ll destroy yourself.”

Balthazar pulled the bottle of wine from the ice bucket and poured himself another glass. Some of it spilled on the carpet and Castiel realized Balthazar was shaking. Looking at his own hands, Castiel realized he was shaking too.

“Why didn’t you tell me before?” Castiel whispered.

“I did. In the forest.”

Castiel shook his head. “No, I mean, why didn’t you tell me you loved me?”

Balthazar snorted derisively. “Would it have changed anything? It’s not as if you could ever love me back.”

“How can you say that?”

“Because…because you’re you. And I’m me. You’re destined for greatness, Cassie, but not like this. I used to think I was holding you back, but now I’m starting to think that was a good thing, if it was stopping you from this.”

“You never held me back. I was always the one stopping you from doing stupid things.”

“Yeah well, maybe I’m just trying to return the favor, then. I’m still with you, just not if it means putting yourself in unnecessary risk. Promise me you won’t?”

Castiel looked into Balthazar’s pleading eyes and felt a wave of guilt and despair threaten to drown him. Balthazar still didn’t understand. Castiel was doing this for him. For everyone. Everything was screwed up and only Castiel could fix it. He swallowed resolutely.

“I promise,” he lied.

With tears in his eyes, Castiel left in a flutter of wingbeats. Right before he disappeared, he heard Balthazar sigh. He wondered if that sigh turned to sobs, and fought sobs of his own as he reappeared in Heaven.

Looking back, Castiel realized it was the relief in Balthazar’s that hurt the most. It hurt more than later, when the Winchesters betrayed him. It hurt more than when he learned that Balthazar was the one who betrayed him to the Winchesters. It hurt more than when Castiel had no choice but to slide the angel blade from his sleeve and into Balthazar’s back. It hurt more than Balthazar’s final word: “Cas,” whispered to the air before bursting in an explosion of grace. It hurt more than looking around and realizing now more than ever, Castiel was truly alone.

It hurt, he realized, because he loved Balthazar too. And he’d never even gotten the chance to say it.


End file.
